All That Money For Cable and Still No Perry Mason

About 3 months ago I got a new tv. The other one went kaput. I wasn’t even that old. TVs today are crap. Anyway, the guy is supposed to come today and ‘calibrate’ the tv…whatever the hell that means. It’s supposed to make the picture brighter, clearer, more fantastic. Great, now I get to watch boring crap in an ostensibly better state of television viewingdom (I have no idea what that word means. I just made it up).

The fact that I even remembered that the guy was even coming today is beyond amazing. I still have ‘did I leave the iron on’ moments, so remembering something from a few months ago is quite a feat. Maybe our family history of dementia is skipping my generation.

Anyway, the whole ‘guy coming to calibrate the tv’ thing had inspired my to wrote a post about television. If Jan Brady can write an essay entitled What America Means To Me ( I can only imagine who incredibly patriotic and saccharine THAT was), then I can write about what television means to me.

I just got a call telling me that the ‘girl’ was on her way to calibrate the tv. My bad for being a chauvinist (I was so proud of myself for not having to do a spell check on saccharine and then chauvinist comes along. I should have just stuck with ‘typical male pig’).

What I want to know is this. How come there are hundreds and hundreds of cable channels and not one of them shows Perry Mason? I’m not talking about the 2 hour Perry Mason movies from the 80s and 90s when Raymond Burr was old and fat. I’m talking about the original black and white series from the 50s and 60s.

The doorbell rang. The girl is here now. She just put some kind of suction cup thing on the tv screen.

Back to Perry. I love Perry. The show premiered the year I was born. I watched it as a kid. Park Avenue Beat, the theme song, scared me. Now, I have it as my ring tone. Perry’s client was never the killer and the killer was always in the courtroom. Perfect television.

As a kid, I remember going to the movies on Saturday and seeing those ‘fight pay tv’ public service announcements. A tv monster would be eating a bunch of coins. I remember thinking how awful it would have to be to pay for tv. I guess the ads didn’t work. We now have to pay for tv (Well, I don’t suppose you HAVE to. I THINK you can still watch tv without cable).

I guess that I just miss analog. Sometimes I miss the snow and the rabbit ears and the missing channel changing knob and uhf and horizontal and vertical screen rolls. I miss my dad cursing at and hitting the tv.

I think that I am getting used to digital. I mean, it’s not perfect. There are those times when it goes wacky and the people on the screen turn into those weird digital monsters. That’s creepy. I suppose there will be a time when the kids of this generation will reflect on the ‘digital monster’ days. Hey, remember when people used to turn into those weird jigsaw things?

The Geek Squad girl just left. She told me some stuff about the tv that went in one ear and out the other. I pretended I understood. I just finished staring at the tv for 5 minutes. I didn’t really see a $199 difference.

P.S. The whole Perry Mason thing reminds me that I have Jury Duty starting tomorrow. Maybe the killer will be in the courtroom.

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